SymtuM (symtum) wrote,

Not really an update... just a place to put my thoughts

money, school, relationships, and the pursuit of happiness in this messed up little world. after nineteen years of life, these things are finally starting to make me think of my future. after just four weeks of gateway, four paychecks and four weeks of my first real taste of work, its got me thinking. i keep asking myself whether or not im going to be making the money i want to make. i mean, i cant really imagine myself working in any other fields besides computers. theyve been apart of my life for too long to just go onto something else just for the money. i asked my supervisor today how much the "senior techs" make an hour. he said roughly $15 an hour. thats about 30,000 a year and well... i just pictured myself making more than that. i wanted a higher standard of living for myself. but where else can i go? i dont know enough about cars to doing anything with them. the only skills i have right now are involved with computers. but now that i think about it, he also said i could become a senior tech in less than a year if i was really driven and had the skill to do it. making 30 grand before the age of 25 would be nice. i could just live simply, small apartment, of course my car and anything with computers. right now so is that higher standard of living really for me? 30k would be enough i think. i guess im just really uncertain on what i can do with what i have. knowledge and skill wise i mean. which makes me think of southeast and what thats getting me prepared for. well, quite frankly, jack-shit. the certifacations i would get from 2 years at southeast would get me jackshit. many people at gateway/friends have all said theyve never used or had the chance to use their education to further themselves in their career. which makes me wonder.. "why even bother going and spending my parents money if it isnt going to get me anything?" at this point in time im considering dropping out of southeast, working full-time at gateway and seeing what i can accomplish there. how would i be hurting myself with this decision? experience is probably the most important thing in the computer field. you can sit in a classroom all day and learn out of the book, or you can go out and do it. gateway is my way of getting that experience. dealing with peoples real world problems is the fastest way to learn. i have friends that have worked there for 2 years now, and still love it. they seem to live comfortably. and where does southeast come into this? nowhere, to me all it is is just to satisfy the post high school education everyone is preaching in high schools. and well, it doesnt really apply to jobs im interested in. look at my current job for crying out loud. fresh out of high school, based on a series of technical and situation questions, they hired me at gateway. with a couple years of experience in the field i can only imagine what jobs will be availible to me. again, where does southeast come into the equation? nowhere, my point exactly. working at gateway full-time, in my opinion, is probably a better foot hold in the computer industry than southeast ever could be. i spoke very briefly with my mom on the issue and she was afraid that dropping out would bite me in the ass later, having to go back to school and all. but would it? i dont think it would. ::shrug:: i just dont want to waste more time and money doing something i dont really need to be doing.

reflecting back to that "standard of living" thing. maybe living simply is my way of doing things. for most of my life ive considered myself lazy. but now that i reflect back on it, was i? it seems i need very simple things to keep me happy in life. from the age of 12-18 all i needed was my computer and friends. thats it. i didnt go seeking trouble, i didnt do anything but surround myself with my computer and everything that went with it. it was a simple life. now i look at myself and i havent really changed much, just added a couple things. i still do everything i used to. computers, anime, music, movies, tv, but ive added something to the mix. cars and a girlfriend. both require some amount of cash to do anything with. as much as one might say "you dont money", i do. cars being the more expensive of the two, still isnt THAT big of hit to the wallet for my perspective. its just another hobby to enjoy, another place to put my time and money. much like computers were early in my teens. spreading the cost of a new computer and a project over, say 2-3 years, it isnt much at all. of course, itd be more than any normal person would want to spend on either, but they arent me. hmm... typing this out has made me realize something. im almost certain id be willing to lower my standard of living enough to support my hobbies. i mean, ive done it since i was little. i get so involved in something, that everything takes a backseat. im the person whos willing to bend over backwards in the name of fun. whether its skip school, work overtime, stay up un-godly late, if it means more fun, im all for it. if i live in a 1 bedroom apartment so i can afford car parts, or cable internet, id do it. why would a person like me need a big house, or flashy clothes? i dont, i just need to support my hobbies to be happy. plain and simple. of course, one could argue, isnt that selfish? what about your significant other? well, thats another thing ive been thinking about.

actually i just started thinking about it reading a thread on this particular thread was about the divorce rate. farkers were sharing their horror marriage stories and it got me thinking. could a woman of any kind put up with my blind determination to keep having fun? would she get bored, upset, feel ignored, or pissed that that $1000 spent on that new turbo could have been a down payment on a new house? would she put up with my late nights of driving and smell of oil, gas and burnt rubber? would she even wanna put out for someone who smelled like that? these questions make me think of bon and how much she realistically put with. after almost 9 months with her, i already know she isnt just any girl. shes definitely special and she can put up with a lot of my shit. and yet, i never hear a sour remark from her, just a laugh and hug. but the future of our relationship has got me thinking. she is 16 and has a lot to experience as do i. i just wonder how much will she change? will it still be the "stupid-in-love" type relatioship we've had? after 9 months we've had a couple bumps in the road but have overcome each with ease, especially as inexperienced i am with women. i guess im just hoping she stays the way she is. just maybe more mature, more "woman"ish i guess... i dunno. to ask someone not to change just isnt right, but is hoping we'll love each other for a long time to come, wrong? i dont think so, and i hope we do. i guess shes another reason i wanted that "higher standard" of living. i just want to give her the world, but really im not sure she wants it. lol. hmmm... i guess there are some things i dont know about her yet. hell, maybe she doesnt even know what she wants, and thats ok too. i sure as hell didnt, i dont even know now. we'll be figuring all this crap together im sure, and thats fine with me.

now im just wondering what living with her would be like... hmmmm. the only thing i fear is taking her for granted. as we are now, the time we have seperated makes you wish the other was around, you miss them. with her living with me, we'd be with each other all the time, expect work and whenever id be with friends. but would it make me appreciate her less? i guess i dont know. i would love to say no, itll be great, we'll love spending each moment together. but in reality nothing ever works that way. but then again, our relationship isnt exactly normal, it surprises me everyday it seems. the sarcastic/asshat in me says "if it goes to shit, who cares? its your first gf." yeah well, thats true, but i DO care. and i cant just write her off as a first gf, ive been with her for 9 months for crying out loud. argh, so much to think about. but in all honestly, its all just thoughts. shes to perfect to let go, id be an idiot to do it.

well... i cant think of anything else to say. i suppose i just need to act. at this point dropping out is sounding friendly, gateway is my ticket to fun, bon is the love of my life, and a nissan sitting in my garage would bring it all together. i wouldnt mind living my life simply. id have the job, the girl, the car, and maybe a couple extras. maybe 2 bedrooms instead of just one. lol.

i guess one more thing just popped in my head. kids. i seriously, positively cant see myself raising children. they would completely throw my plan outta wack. theyre expensive, stress relationships and well... arent fun.

ahhh... indeed, took some weight off my mind. 1:25am and im sick. gnight.
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